


Fanaa

by Anxious_Muu



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: F/M, Ghost Adolin, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Multi, Sorry Not Sorry, THIS IS HEAVY ANGST, or at least i hope it hits where it hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29131830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxious_Muu/pseuds/Anxious_Muu
Summary: After a catastrophic battle that marks the end of a sequence, Adolin finds himself trapped in the Physical Realm, unable to move on.Aka Ghost Adolin witnesses the consequences of his death.Shakadolin angst.
Relationships: Kaladin/Adolin Kholin, Renarin Kholin/Rlain, Shallan Davar/Adolin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Kaladin, Shallan Davar/Kaladin/Adolin Kholin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 21





	Fanaa

**Author's Note:**

> Fanaa (arabic) : the concept of dying before one truly dies, in arabic poetry it signifies being "destroyed in love".
> 
> This is the culmination of my feelings i put in this fic. Angst train welcomes you all above, and i am sorry for the hurt this will cause ;-; Spoilers are for all stormlight books. 
> 
> 7k worth of angst, let's go-

Adolin watched Kaladin move around his room, back hunched and eyes cast down. The morning sun barely illuminated his room through the window, as it was so early. 

Kaladin rolled both shoulders back and forth, working the muscles. He flexed them, eyes dark and haunted. These days, Kaladin’s eyes were hard to meet. Then he gets on the floor, and starts planking, grunting heavily with every heave. 

Usually, Kaladin would go for 30 planks in the morning. Today, he exceeded the count. It must be one of those nights, nightmares plaguing his mind even after he woke. Kaladin didn’t care to count, from the glazed look in his eyes, so Adolin does it for him, heart in throat. He went over 50 planks, huffing way heavier. The sweat that formed on his forehead and dripped down to the floor went unnoticed by Kaladin. 

“Kal, please,” Adolin whispered, vocal cords strung up with the struggle of holding back the pain. 

But Kaladin couldn’t hear him, couldn’t realize that Adolin was still here. Watching, heart ripping open. 

Adolin crouched next to Kaladin as his planks got more aggressive, teeth gritted together, a trail of blood trailing down his lower lip. He had bitten his tongue, and didn’t even seem to realize. 

“Kal...” Adolin touched Kaladin’s shoulder, the touch sending no less than a shiver down Kaladin’s spine. 

At that exact moment, someone knocked on the door, making both Kaladin and Adolin look up. It was early in the morning, the only ones who were supposed to be up were the cooks, preparing the Bridge crews’ breakfast. 

“Yes?” Kaladin pulled himself together and stood wobbly, just now realizing he had pushed himself beyond his limits. Kaladin blindly reached for a towel and wiped the sweat. He swallowed a big lump, the bob in his throat getting smaller. Adolin frowned, recognizing the tears Kaladin was trying to hold back. 

“Captain,” Sigzil opened the door, standing in his bridge four uniform, notebook in hand. “We have a meeting to attend.” 

Kaladin squinted in confusion. “Meeting...?” 

“With king Dalinar,” Sigzil nodded, professional. “He’s holding a meeting with all generals and Highprinces. We were informed yesterday to be prepared for discussing our losses.” 

“Oh.” Kaladin froze in place, Adolin noticing the slight tremble in his hand. “Yes, he did. Sorry, Sigzil, I was lost in my head for a moment there.” 

Sigzil pursed his lips, eyes uncertain. “Sir... No, Kaladin,” Sigzil dropped the honorifics, sheepishly gripping the back of his neck. “I could go myself, you don’t have to force yourself. They’ll understand.” 

Kaladin shook his head decisively, throwing the towel on the bed. “I’m coming.” 

“Kaladin...” Sigzil trailed off, looking uncertain. “I know I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but you don’t need to be so hard on yourself.” 

Kaladin met his eyes sharply, lips taking a mean pull down the corners of his lips. “I said I'm coming.” 

Sigzil jumped slightly, but seeming to understand the severity of Kaladin’s mood, he apologized swiftly and left. 

It wasn’t like Kaladin to dismiss his men’s opinions like that. Adolin retreated to the corner of the room, his eyes never leaving Kaladin’s hunched form. His hair covered the expression on his face, leaving Adolin feeling like an intruder. An intruder on this fragile and bruised side of Kaladin. 

Agonyspren swam at Kaladin’s feet, tormenting him with their heavy presence. They were supposed to be rare, Shallan had once told Adolin. Adolin had himself only experienced them once, and that was the day he found out Mother had died, holding Renarin tight against his chest. Yet with Kaladin, they were a constant presence these days. 

Kaladin kicked at them, but they didn’t budge. Syl suddenly winked in from the window, watching Kaladin. Adolin glanced at her, begging to be heard. 

“Syl?” He called her in a ragged voice, hoping for a link to tie him to Kaladin. 

Syl didn’t seem to hear him, and passed Adolin in her gentle flight, then landed on Kaladin’s shoulder. 

“Kaladin...” She whispered softly, touching his curls and hugging the strand of hair around her form, wanting to feel the slightest form of warmth from Kaladin. 

“Hey.” Kaladin moved to wear his Bridge four uniform, closing the buttons of his coat. “How was your flight?” 

Syl looked down. “Sad, actually.” She sighed softly. “Urithiru is just sad.” 

Kaladin cracked a bitter smirk. “How can a place be sad?” 

“It just is.” 

“I think it’s you who’s feeling sad, so you see everything around you wilting,” Kaladin explained softly, pulling his hair into a ponytail. 

“Oh.” Syl said again, rocking her legs slowly. “You feel that way too?” 

Kaladin finished dressing, then stood in front of a mirror, something he never really did before. At least not so early in the mornings. He looked himself up and down, licking his dry lips. Adolin stood behind him, but his reflection in the mirror was nonexistent. 

“All the time.” Kaladin said in the silence of the room. 

Adolin closed his eyes, the breath leaving him. 

*** 

_Storms, it was hard to draw breath. Adolin gripped the area around his stomach, feeling the wetness sliding past his fingers. He coughed heavily, the battle a distant background noise. Blood dripped from his mouth, his wounds were bad. Fatally bad._

_Maya was still by his side, her sword-hilt a warm companion. He crawled, trying to get out of the dangerous location he ended up being flung into._ _His Shardplate had completely shattered, the only parts it clung to was his feet, but it was so, so heavy to move._

_“Maya,” Adolin whispered raggedly, eyes watering at the slightest movement. “Maya, please...”_

_“A... dolin...” Maya’s voice was distant in his mind, but she was still there. Adolin was able to feel her brush his mind. “I... can’t.”_

_Adolin’s left arm dropped loosely, probably broken and useless, but he never let go of Maya. He used his right one to drag his useless legs past the wreck behind him, the rocks and pebbles underneath him rubbing against his wounds._

_“You can...” Blood slurred his pronunciation, his head just banging louder. “Listen...”_

_“I can’t... do anything...” Maya’s voice took an edge, as if finally understanding that the true danger wasn’t losing, but Adolin’s condition. “Adolin? Adolin... what should I do? I can’t do this again...” Maya wailed helplessly. “You finally found me... Please, don’t leave me, Adolin.”_

_Adolin slumped, strength leaving him completely. A loud bang sounded behind him. He assumed one of the Thunderclasts had fallen._

_Adolin’s sight was a mess, not only was he disoriented but he was entirely bathed in blood. Orange mixed with red mixed with purple. Damnation, he was in Damnation._

_“Ma...ya...” He grumbled, grip on the sword the only thing keeping him tied to existence. “Live...”_

_She had to live. Her fate wasn’t entirely sealed with Adolin, he had told her that multiple times. She shouldn’t go back to being a dead-eye again. He wouldn’t allow it._

_“Adolin...” Maya was wailing. “The Words, try saying the Words...”_

_Did it work that way? Maya wasn’t bonded to him, wasn’t fully out of her dead-eye state. Adolin had to try though..._

_“Life...” He stressed in one breath. “Life before Death, Strength before Weakness...” He coughed, lungs burning. Almighty, Adolin was never this injured before. It hurt, it hurt. Still, he struggled._

_“Journey...” He heaved, and Maya was there, Maya was there, trying to exist within his words and will. “Journey before Destination.”_

_He waited, Damnation all around him._

_“THESE WORDS... ARE NOT ACCEPTED.”_

_Adolin sucked in a harsh breath, his shoulders dropping, hope ripped from him so cruelly. So it couldn’t work that way..._

_“Why?! Why...?!” Maya screamed venom. And for a moment, Adolin thought she sounded just like a human, terrified and scared and so storming sad. “He has the will! Mother, Stormfather... He’s my human, please...”_

_Those wails were so difficult to listen to, Adolin begged for death to take him already._

_“Adolin!!” And suddenly, a voice called from behind him._

_Adolin closed his eyes._

*** 

Adolin walked a safe step behind Kaladin and Sigzil, dreading their arrival to the meeting room. The Urithiru hallways were barely buzzing with the usual crowds, the reason it being too early in the morning. 

Adolin couldn’t really say he missed walking around here, he still did after all. It was being ignored and easily brushed by that suffocated Adolin. Everyone walked around him, not recognizing his presence. Not humans, not Singers, not Spren. 

At first, he supposed it was a blessing he got to stick around, to watch over people he cared for. Even if it hurt, he assumed there was a reason he was stuck around here. The reality was much cruel for it to be so simple. He could watch, but his actions held no impact on anyone. He couldn’t even comfort his younger brother... 

Adolin focused back on the present –well, not his present- and debated internally on whether to follow Kaladin inside the meeting room or play one of the ten fools and hang in Urithiru... 

Taking a deep breath, even when he no longer needed air and his heartbeat wasn’t there, he decided to join the meeting. 

The guards at the door saluted at Kaladin, opening the doors for him, Sigzil trailing behind. Adolin felt foolish for being scared to stride inside, but he forced his body to move. 

There were few people in the room, as Kaladin was early. Dalinar sat the head of the long table, looking weathered beyond his fifty years. The sight was a stab to Adolin’s heart, Father looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time. 

Shallan was seated far from everyone, focused in her sketchbook, eyes taking a distant look. She wasn’t entirely there, like she was trying to tuck the issue at hand in the far corner of her mind. But the issue was too noticeable and huge to be easily tucked away. Jasnah and Navani were conversing quietly at the side. 

Renarin sat quietly, eyes cast down on the box in his hands. He did not make a move or a sound for a very long time, which was way too concerning for Adolin’s liking. He was supposed to be Kholin Highprince now, a very heavy responsibility on his baby brother’s shoulders. Renarin was tough, more than capable to keep things together. Didn’t mean Adolin didn't hate this turn of events for him. 

Adolin glanced at Dalinar, praying his Father was a changed man. Prayed, to particularly no one, that he would address Renarin’s pain. Try to be a better Father instead of retreating to his drinks like back when Evi died. 

Kaladin greeted them with a nod of his head, then, bless him, sat beside Shallan. Adolin smiled slightly, watching them sit in silence, but at least both of their shoulders had eased down. 

For the last two days he was here, he had tried to keep an eye on everyone, but he was much more worried about Kaladin than anyone else. It hurt to just watch his loved ones and not be able to do anything about it. Storms, did it hurt. But Shallan at least had Radiant to stabilize her, and Pattern was a good spren to keep around too. Her brothers also never left her alone. 

But Kaladin decided to distance himself from everyone, including Shallan. They were supposed to weather the hard times together, to keep each other company. Adolin’s heart ached having left both his lovers, only for the two of them to distance from each other. 

They hadn’t even talked ever since... 

“Uncle,” Jasnah turned over to Dalinar, fixing her black crown on her head. “This doesn’t seem like a good idea.” 

Navani winced loudly, touching Jasnah by the elbow, yet Jasnah didn’t even flinch. 

“What isn’t?” Dalinar held his hands together, giving his attention to Jasnah. 

“Holding the meeting at the crack of dawn,” Jasnah looked unperturbed, as always. “The other Highprinces aren’t going to give much respect to this timeslot, I told you to put it at a reasonable time of the day.” 

Dalinar ground his teeth, standing up, then grunted and started pacing. “They’re far too lenient.” 

“Normally I would agree, but after a battle so big,” Jasnah said strictly, eyes narrowed at Dalinar. “After such casualties and not sleeping for days, they are obviously relieved to get a small breather.” 

“Relieved? The war is not over.” Dalinar looked up, harsher than he probably intended to. “They should not be relieved.” 

“They are exhausted, uncle, so are we.” Jasnah reasoned. “It’s not the end, yes, but it does mark the end of a sequence, if you will.” 

Dalinar opened his mouth for a retort, then, having nothing left to say, shut his mouth. He tried a few more times, drawing everyone’s attention in the room. 

“I just...” Dalinar cleared his throat, throat growing stuffy. “I thought if we got over with this meeting first thing in the morning, I could just leave it behind me. Never to look back at the numbers again.” 

Adolin stiffened, wishing to speak and be heard. 

“I didn’t want to leave myself the luxury of running away,” Dalinar confessed, tearing up. “From him.” 

Jasnah sniffed, then slightly backed away, retreating to the side. Navani put a hand on Dalinar’s shoulder, murmuring comforting words. 

Shallan had aggressively stopped her sketching, a death grip on her brush. Kaladin was eerily silent as ever. 

_Blood of my fathers_ _,_ Adolin thought, feeling every inch of his limbs throb with inexplicable pain. 

Renarin stood, his chair making a piercing screech. “If you don’t want to run away, you must face his death.” 

Dalinar faced Renarin this time, taking in the trembling form of the youth. “Son?” 

“It’s- It’s true that you didn’t succumb to drink this time,” Renarin gripped his box so tight his vein was showing. “But you’re still not facing it. If you learned anything from Mother’s death, do Adolin the favour of... of honoring his life instead of wanting to get it done with.” 

Renarin backed away, then getting overwhelmed with emotion, stormed to the door. He brushed by past Adolin, leaving his name right on Adolin’s mouth. 

The room fell to silence after Renarin’s leave, leaving Adolin to stare at his feet. He gritted his teeth, Renarin’s words ringing a deeper truth within him. 

“He’s right, storm it,” Adolin gritted out, fists clenched by his side. “I didn’t wish to die then get stuck and see you mopping around. Storm it, Father. Storm it Shallan, storm it Kal.” 

No one flinched, his words leaving no echo or room for response. Adolin felt like he was screaming from below the water, bubbles forming his words. 

He turned around and walked out of the meeting, aggressive in his step. While he was sad for his own death, sure, the aftermath of how it left his family in shambles was the true devastation for him. Kaladin was messed up, sad and closed off. Shallan was deep in her mind, probably feeling lonely. Dalinar was a lot of things, Adolin could only hope he would still be the man he swore to be. 

And Renarin, sweet, gentle Renarin. He missed his big brother, Adolin could see that clearly, but Renarin had a good head on his shoulders. He was going to be up to responsibility and try to help Dalinar as much as he could. That was the kind of person Renarin was, too kind. 

And Maya... Storms, how was Maya? What happened to her in the process? Was she stuck in Shadesmare or in the Physical realm? What were her status? More questions than answers. 

Adolin walked with an unknown destination in mind, head full of worries. Thankfully, his legs guided him to Renarin’s room. The door was closed, but with a body like his, Adolin could slip through the door. It was slightly uncomfortable, felt like the very material of the door could choke him any second he was making his travel through the door. He sighed with relief as his body fully made it, then opened his eyes. He didn’t expect the view he’d gotten. 

Renarin was sitting on his bed, legs pulled up in front of him, head resting on his knees. He wasn’t crying, but his expression contorted into agony. He wasn’t alone though, for Rlain sat beside him, hand comfortingly resting on Renarin’s back. They were sitting closely together, their bodies the only warmth they could confide in. 

Renarin reached for Rlain’s hand, linking them together. 

Adolin blushed slightly, having intruded on a moment so intimate. But he smiled, because in his eyes, he knew they were right for each other. With their hands linked together, and Renarin being so comfortable with Rlain by his side, in his bed, in his private space, it was blooming into something beautiful. 

His brother’s first relationship was blooming into something so beautiful and precious, and Adolin wasn’t going to witness it. But for this single sliver he saw, he was... content. 

Renarin was in good hands. 

Smiling, Adolin retreated back, heart full. 

*** 

Adolin found Shallan in their quarters, now only reserved to Shallan and Kaladin. Though Adolin knew that Kaladin hadn’t come anywhere close and chose to retreat back to the bridge four barracks. If things were permanent, Adolin hoped that wasn’t the case. 

Shallan sat on the sofa, legs pulled up with her sketchbook on her lap. Her eyes were rimmed red, the glazed look in her eyes still present. She began drawing on the paper aggressively. 

Adolin approached her cautiously, as if afraid Shallan would notice him in perimeter and freak out. Of course, that was better than her current state. He sat beside her, one leg tucked underneath the other. It ripped him apart, watching Shallan sit by herself when she didn’t have to. Where was Kaladin? Why was everything so dark? 

“Shallan?” Adolin tried calling, even though he expected no reaction. He couldn’t not try, not when the loves of his life were so broken. “Hey.” 

She kept her eyes on the sketchpad, hand frantically drawing. Adolin sighed sadly, peeking over her shoulder and to the drawing. Strange and wild lines showed a figure of someone who was overpowered in the darkness. Two blobs covered in blood covered the ears, and... vines sprouted with thorns were falling bloodily to the floor. 

Adolin frowned, gulping at the intense and horrific image. Shallan kept drawing, fingers adding more and more lines behind the figure, as if the sorrow was so big it was going to crush that figure. 

“Shallan,” Pattern buzzed worriedly, floating in the air. It was clear that he wasn’t comfortable staying on the hem of Shallan’s dress anymore. “This is... This is not a lie.” 

“It’s not.” Shallan answered, voice dry. “It’s reality.” 

Adolin reached his hand to stop Shallan from drawing, but it only went through. Shallan shivered, punctuating a sharp line in result. 

“This is... not you. Hmmm.” Pattern buzzed again, growing more anxious. 

“No,” Shallan glanced back at the drawing. “I’m not drawing myself here.” 

“Hmm. You need to stop, this isn’t a lie.” Pattern buzzed softly this time, signaling his worry. 

Adolin narrowed his eyes at the drawing, the conversation having alarmed him. Shallan said this was reality, someone who was actually going through this process. 

“I can’t.” Shallan dipped her head, red hair falling on both sides. 

“It was a mistake going to Shadesmare... hmmmm.” Pattern hummed thoughtfully. “Big mistake. I should have stopped you. Hmmm.” 

Shallan smiled bitterly. “Everything is so messed up. I thought... I thought that for his sake, I should try...” she trailed off, shoulders shaking as if a weight hung on them. 

Adolin’s mouth hung open, and suddenly all the threads came together. There was one person that could be in Shadesmare that Shallan would try to see. To recover, maybe. For him. 

Shallan glanced to the side, through Adolin, to the Shardblade in the far corner. Adolin didn’t need to look, nausea overtaking his body. 

“I’m sorry, Adolin,” Shallan said in a whisper, vocal cords straining every word. “But it’s also your fault, you know. For leaving me. For leaving Maya.” 

Adolin choked on his breath, physical pain piercing through him. “What... What happened to Maya?” 

Shallan continued to gaze aimlessly, her dry lips slightly parted. 

“Shallan, please,” Adolin frantically gripped her shoulders, only to slip through them. “Please, tell me, what happened to Maya? She’s... she’s suffering, isn’t she?” 

Shallan sagged, covering her face. “I thought I wanted the answers... The secrets that Mraize kept baiting me with.” 

Adolin panted. “Please... Please, please. _Please_. Teleport to Shadesmare. There’s a chance I might see her, a chance I might save her.” 

“But I realized something,” Shallan continued, her voice taking a sad edge. “I’d give them up, the secrets. I’d give it all up, I just... want to see you again.” 

Adolin whined lowly in his throat, her words further rendering him paralysed. 

_Almighty, please. I don’t want this,_ Adolin prayed to a dead god, for nothing and for everything. 

“Shallan...” Pattern buzzed gently. 

Shallan sniffed, wiping her nose. “Pattern, do you know of any other way to save Maya? I’m desperate at this point. This is... This is the only thing that’ll help me and Kaladin get rid of the guilt.” 

Pattern became smaller, rounding in on himself. “Hmm. I’m sorry, I don’t know. She wasn’t really his spren, she wasn’t bonded to him like you are to me.” 

_She_ is _my spren,_ Adolin gritted his teeth, jaw clenched. 

“But Maya said he spoke the Words,” Shallan whispered, eyebrows furrowing. “Technically, if he did, he should’ve been able to heal himself. He should’ve... lived.” 

“Hmm. Bridgeboy should know, shouldn’t he?” Pattern buzzed. 

Shallan blinked, then slowly smiled. “Bridgeboy? Why are you calling Kaladin that now?” 

“Adolin called him that!” Pattern buzzed sweetly. “I thought you would like it, should I not repeat that?” 

Adolin looked to the side, the mental exhaustion eating away at his soulless body. He didn’t understand how exhaustion played a trivial role when he was dead, but the cosmere always had its way to bare its fangs at him and mess with him. 

“Yeah. Don’t... don’t do that again,” Shallan said, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. 

“I have a better idea,” Pattern announced with a buzz, what seemed like a clear of the throat. Then with a different tone of voice, he said. “Bridgeboy.” 

Adolin’s voice. 

Adolin pursed his lips, tears burning at the corners of his eyes. 

Shallan choked out a sob, hugged herself tighter, curling into herself. Pattern abruptly stopped buzzing, eerily silent as Shallan’s sobs intensified in volume. 

“Hmmm...” Pattern was so small he was the size of a cremling. “I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have done that. I see. Hmmm, I just wanted to cheer you up.” 

Shallan nodded against her arms, hugging her knees tighter. “I miss him.” She choked out, sniffling. 

“I miss you too.” Adolin replied under his breath. 

“And I miss Kaladin,” Shallan whined helplessly, looking so weak and terrified. “He just left after Adolin... He was supposed to stay, but he closed on himself. He... He’s so thick-headed. He...” She trailed off, covering her face. “Ash’s eye, I lost them both. They left me.” 

“Shallan...” Pattern buzzed quietly, floating beside her face and weakly trying to budge her head. 

_Stormfather, please,_ Adolin begged to the heavens above, to the Stormfather, this time. 

“I’m... all alone.” Shallan admitted with a whine, stressed out and grieved. 

Adolin exhaled sadly, shaking his head. “You’re not alone.” 

And right at that moment, the Highstorm outside started picking up, wind blaring against the windows, the rain rattling everywhere. Adolin turned his face to the window, staring outside. “Stormfather?” He asked, unsure. 

He received silence. And for a while, nothing happened. Adolin was foolish to even think anyone would hear him. The spren couldn’t hear him, why would that single the Stormfather out? Still, Adolin didn’t lose hope. 

“Stormfather,” Adolin started, voice weary, hand floating above Shallan’s, desperately trying to send warmth to it. “You’re supposed to be my Father’s spren. Do something, please. Make it all better. Save Maya. Save Kaladin and Shallan. Renarin. _Tell_ Father I'm still here.” 

The Highstorm outside blew harder, the walls of Urithiru echoing the sounds of the winds. 

Adolin sighed, eyes closing. _Please. Please, someone._

_“_ I’m all alone.” Shallan repeated, sniffling. The darkness around them making her shiver in place. 

Adolin bit on his lower lips, fingers digging into the flesh of his palms. If he were alive, he would have bled with the sting. “You’re _not_ alone, Shallan.” 

A few seconds passed by, then Shallan raised her chin, tears still trickling down her cheeks. She blinked, mouth hanging open. “Adolin?” 

Adolin turned to her, holding his breath. Did she just... hear him? 

“Shallan, hey,” Adolin smiled weakly, joy overtaking him so fast. “I’m here. Beside you. Right beside you, Shallan!” 

Shallan continued looking around, then stood. “I... I just heard him. Adolin. His... His voice.” 

Pattern hummed quietly. 

“Did you not?” Shallan turned to Pattern, eyebrows scrunched. “I swear on his last breath, It was his voice.” 

Adolin was looking at her. She seemed to have heard his first sentence. But from then on she didn’t anymore. And now she was looking around in panic. 

“Stormfather...?” Adolin asked with a gulp. 

YOU WERE CONNECTED. The Stormfather’s voice rang loudly in Adolin’s ears, speaking to him and him alone. 

Adolin stood, walked to the window. Shallan had sat back down, contemplating the voice she heard. Processing the strange experience. Suddenly, everything around Adolin turned to white, Urithiru was no more, the Highstorm couldn’t be heard any more. Adolin looked around, remembered Kaladin explaining the sensation of being nowhere, inside the Highstorm, the place where no time existed, just for a brief instance. 

“Stormfather,” Adolin said, bellowing into nowhere. “What in the storms is happening here?” 

YOUNG KHOLIN, The Stormfather spoke again. I AM SORRY FOR NOT HAVING DONE MORE. THIS IS ALL I CAN DO. I AM BUT A SLIVER OF GOD. 

“If that was all you could do, then do it again!” Adolin said, voice rising. “I need to speak to them all, please.” 

NO.

“Stormfather-” 

MY INTERFERENCE IS BEYOND THE NATURE OF THE COSMERE. The Stormfather explained. THAT HURT ME MORE THAN A HUMAN IS CAPABLE OF IMAGINING. I CANNOT... HELP ANYMORE. 

Adolin choked on his breath, the reality slamming into him. All he had was this sliver of god who claimed it was beyond helping. “The Sibling. What of the Sibling?” 

THEY DON’T HAVE THE WILL TO INTERVENE IN THE MATTERS BETWEEN THE PHYSICAL REALM AND THE BEYOND. THEY ARE BUT THE SPREN OF THE TOWER, PROTECTING THE PEOPLE INSIDE. 

“Surely they can do something.” Adolin pleaded. 

HUMANS ARE SO GREEDY, AS EVER. The Stormfather had the impression of sighing. I AM TRULY SORRY, YOUNG KHOLIN. 

Adolin bit on his lip. “Then... how can I help Maya?” 

MAYALARAN WILL REMAIN A DEAD-EYE. 

“She will not,” Adolin said. “She is _my_ spren. Radiant or not, we are one.” 

FOOLISHNESS. 

“It is not foolishness, it is honour. We said it once, we’ll say it again. Honor is not dead as long as he lives in the hearts of men.” Adolin stood his ground. “You are the sliver left of Honour. Surely you know this is unjust.” 

IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO SAY. 

Adolin laughed bitterly. “Oh, so you’re just going to turn your back on Maya like that? Leave her to suffer in Shadesmare, uncaring of misery she is trapped in.” 

The Stormfather gave the impression of hesitating, as if taken aback by Adolin’s boldness. 

Well, Adolin had always been a hot-head. Dead man or not. 

“Stormfather, I ask of you one more time,” Adolin furrowed his eyebrows, holding the area around his heart. “Tell me how to save Maya.” 

I AM... NOT SURE IF SHE CAN BE SAVED. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. The Stormfather admitted. DO NOT BLAME ME IF IT DOESN’T PAY OFF. 

“I didn’t blame you for not accepting my words,” Adolin said. “But I _will_ blame you if Maya isn't okay after this. She needs to live on.” 

THAT IS NOT MY PLACE, KHOLIN. ACCEPTING YOUR WORDS WAS NOT MY PLACE. CULTIVATION IS- 

“I don’t care.” Adolin cut him off. “I just want to see Maya. If she’s in pain, I don’t want to waste more time.” 

The Stormfather rumbled. VERY WELL. YOU ARE EVERY BIT YOUR FATHER’S SON. 

Adolin paused. “One more thing, Stormfather.” 

GREEDY HUMANS, He rumbled annoyingly. 

“Tell my Father that I forgave him,” Adolin said, voice soft. “In my last moments. I forgave him, but he has to do better.” 

The Stormfather rumbled, the thunder punctuating his agreement. I WILL TRY. 

Adolin nodded, determined. “Now tell me how to save Maya.” 

I WILL LET YOU GO, AND YOU WILL TOUCH THE HILT OF YOUR SWORD. FROM THERE, IT’S UP TO YOU. The Stormfather went quiet, then said. HONOUR LIVES IN YOU, HE LIVES IN YOU, EVEN IN DEATH. 

Adolin looked up, the face of the Stormfather finally forming from above. Adolin took a sharp breath, and stumbled back. How had Kaladin being able to stand in the presence of a divinity so vast? 

With a blink of an eye, the room in Urithiru slowly enhanced itself to sight. Adolin winced, as if his body had been forcefully pulled to a Realm he didn’t belong to. Yet, he couldn’t go yet. Not until Maya was safe. 

Shallan was still in the room, burning incense. Her eyes were closed, and Pattern remained floating beside her, but not buzzing, showing respect. 

“Are you... going to go see Kaladin after this?” Pattern asked, gently. 

“Yes,” Shallan answered, hands linked together. “That’s what Adolin would want. We three were in love, we will... always be in love. The three of us.” 

Adolin stared at Shallan, taking in her newfound resolve. A slow smile spread on his face, and pride filled his chest. 

He turned away from the scene now, steps closing in on his Shardblade, Maya. He crouched in front of it, hands respectfully placed on his knees. Maya had fought with him countless times, she stood by his side, even when she wasn’t capable of doing so. And he will see her, one more time. Thank her, one more time. 

He reached out, touching the hilt of his sword. The sword gave a shy glow, and then, enveloped Adolin in light. 

*** 

“ _Adolin!” Kaladin screamed above the shouts of men and Singers._

_Adolin forced his eyes open. “Kal?”_

The windrunner! _Maya shrieked in Adolin’s mind, frantic for a solution._ He can get help! 

_Kaladin turned him on his back, freezing at the wounds Adolin bore like thorns that threatened destruction._

_“Don’t move.” Kaladin managed to command with a firm voice, but Adolin noticed the very slight tremble of his fingers. He knew him too well._

_Kaladin prodded Adolin’s wound, cursing under his breath. Adolin’s thoughts wandered, Maya’s soft cries haven’t ceased. He was going to die. This was the end for him. He hadn’t even spoken properly with Dalinar, or poked around Renarin to discover his crush and tease him about. His brother was always so solemn, he deserved some lightening up._

_“We need_ _Renarin_ _, storms.” Kaladin cursed._ _Adolin_ _smiled in response, because yeah, he needed_ _Renarin_ _. His crush..._ _Adolin_ _was sure it was a man. But_ _Adolin_ _wanted details._

_“_ _Mhhm_ _, he needs... to tell... crush.”_ _Adolin’s_ _eyes drooped. His exhaustion has reached its limits._

_“Stormfather,” Kaladin loomed over him. “Adolin, you’re hallucinating.”_

_“Kal,” Adolin called, weakly coughing up blood than trickled down his lips. “Can’t... can’t.”_

_“Keep your eyes open,” Kaladin licked his lips, hurriedly cradling Adolin close to his chest. “Syl, go get Renarin. Or Lift, or anyone who can use Progression. NOW.”_

_Adolin’s breath hitched. “Blood.”_

_“You’ll be fine, it’s not... it’s not bad, just breathe.” Kaladin looked around frantically._

_“No,” Adolin clenched his jaw, forced his only functioning arm to raise. His left, although useless, still had a weak grip on Maya’s hilt. “Your blood.”_

_Kaladin wasn’t listening, he was panicking. Like a surgeon who started his first day of real practice._

_Adolin’s hand touched Kaladin’s bangs, fingers brushing them away. “Blood... running down your forehead.”_

_“It’s just a cut, Adolin, focus on your breathing,” Kaladin insisted, pure agony on his facial features. “Please, Adolin. Not you too.”_

_Adolin blankly stared, realizing that with his last breath he wanted to speak with Dalinar. Tell him that he was never going to understand or pardon Dalinar’s crimes and what he did to Evi. But all the same, he would forgive him. Almighty, he wanted to forgive Dalinar._

_But dying in Kaladin’s arms? That was just unfair. Kaladin lost too many people to lose one of his lovers again._

_“Bridgeboy,” Adolin forced himself to formulate words, his tongue heavy in his mouth. “Be Radiant.”_

_The last he saw of Kaladin was his horrified stare. The last he heard was Maya calling his name._

_…._

_“_ _Adolin_ _?” Kaladin cradled the_ _Highprince_ _closer, jolting up when_ _Adolin’s_ _hand dropped, his eyes closing. Kaladin put a finger on_ _Adolin’s_ _neck, a cold sweat overtaking him. He couldn’t feel a pulse._

_“Adolin, wake up,” Kaladin said, voice controlled this time. His surgeon instincts having come back. “Adolin. Come on, don’t... don’t do this. Please. Princeling, wake up.”_

_Kaladin shook him, and all Adolin’s head did was roll back lifelessly._

_“Syl,” Kaladin called, rising in alarm. “Syl, storm it. Maya? I don’t know, anyone. Please, Syl, where are you? Where’s Rena-” Kaladin’s voice broke off, his tears rolling down his cheeks in violent streams. “Don’t... Don’t do this, not again.”_

_“Kaladin, I’m here!” Syl called, floating to him at top speed. Kaladin didn’t look at her, instead burying his face in Adolin’s neck, his sobs loud and ugly and... Adolin was dead._

_“Adolin?” That was Renarin’s voice. The youth dropped to his knees. “Captain. Kaladin, I need to-” He trailed off. “Adolin?”_

_Kaladin only sobbed harder, clinging onto Adolin’s body. Shallan was not even here. It hurt... it hurt to think of Shallan._

_“_ _Adolin_ _,”_ _Renarin_ _kept calling his big brother. “No, I refuse to believe. You are strong, Adolin.” Renarin raised Adolin’s hand and rested it on his own head, moving it back and forth. “_ _Adolin_ _, stroke... stroke my hair.” He sniffled, a single tear running down his cheek._

_Renarin_ _waited for a few seconds, then finally lowered_ _Adolin’s_ _hand, shocked eyes remaining locked on_ _Adolin’s_ _form. Kaladin clung to_ _Adolin’s_ _body, like he clung to Tien’s from that haunted time._

_Renarin_ _remained locked in place, even his breathing wasn’t all there. And then, with a trembling hand, reached for_ _Adolin’s_ _hair and began stroking it. His fingers carding through the roots, never once halting the stroking for the long excruciating minutes after._

_“You’ve got me,”_ _Renarin_ _whispered, lips parted and dry as the words barely made it over the wind and the battlefield. “I’m here for you. You, me. We.”_

_“Always We.”_

_***_

Adolin blinked as the bright lights dissolved, instead showing a black sky with small creatures flying in the sky. Spren. He was in Shadesmare. 

“Maya?” Adolin stood on his feet, looking around the rough scape. “Maya!” Raising his voice, he ran forward, feeling something pull at his chest. It was their bond, he was sure. Sure, not a Nahel bond, but a bond nonetheless. The bond they’ve built over the years fighting side by side. 

He jogged a few steps more, then spotting her figure, grinned and hurried over. “Maya!” 

Maya was huddled on the floor, her hands covering her ears, and she was chanting a mantra. Adolin neared her, skidding to his knees in the last distance that remained between them. “Maya?” He asked quietly. 

Maya was whining under her breath, voice loud and animalistic. “He... He spoke the Words. He spoke the Words. So where is he? Why am I alone? Why must we separate?” 

“Maya, I'm right here,” Adolin touched her shoulder, finally understanding Shallan’s state after seeing Maya. 

“He spoke the Words. He spoke the Words.” She kept chanting over and over and over again, and Adolin thought this was worse than her dead-eye state. This was Maya who was able to feel, to understand, but was so paralysed because of the hurt Adolin’s death caused. 

“Maya,” Adolin tried again, frowning when Maya seemed to be too deep in her mind to notice him. 

Her whines got louder, starting to scream. Like a madman who was tormented by demons. Only worse as Maya was a spren, a spren who was fated to suffer like this for an eternity. 

_No,_ Adolin thought. _I won’t let this happen to her._

“Maya,” Adolin wrapped his arms around her, even as she continued to scream and push him off. “Remember what I told you? 

Maya screamed louder biting down on his shoulder. Adolin flinched, how was he able to feel it even when dead? 

“I told you to live, Maya,” Adolin held her close to his chest, tucking his chin on top of her head. He held Kaladin and Shallan like this before, but even if the gesture was the same, it was also different. 

Maya was a shard of his soul, even when the cosmere refused it. He would hold onto their bond. 

“ _Live_ , Maya,” Adolin said. “It takes courage, it takes a lot of obstacles to pass, but living is worth it in the end. So please, fight it. Do not succumb to this again.” 

Maya got quieter, her fingers were still digging on the fabric of cloth on his back. 

“And I’ll stay by your side,” Adolin tightened his hold. “Because it was _never_ your fight alone, Maya. Maybe it is our fight together, and that’s why I was stuck, held back in a Realm that doesn’t quite process our Bond.” 

Maya stilled, then with a ragged, hoarse voice. “A... dolin?” 

Adolin hummed. 

“I’m scared,” Maya admitted, this time hugging back. “I’m so lost.” 

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Please, don’t leave me by myself.” Maya begged. “I didn’t choose _this_.” 

“I’m not going anywhere, Maya.” Adolin assured. 

“We are not Bonded, but it hurts so much,” Maya replied. “Why does it hurt so much?” 

Adolin sighed, relaxing into her hold. “Maybe... we just need to rest.” 

Maya raised her head, her scratched out eyes were no more. Instead, they were black orbs with green veins inside. Adolin smiled, nodding. 

“We fought so hard,” Adolin said. “We gave our strength to the fight, and then it was over. I died, so... you don’t need to hold onto our Bond anymore, move on and live, Maya. Just... let go.” 

“No.” Maya answered instantly. “I am not letting go of you.” 

“But in order for you to keep going-” 

“I don’t want to keep going,” Maya said again. “I kept going _with you_. That was good when it lasted.” 

“So... what are you going to do?” 

“Like you said, maybe,” Maya showed her first human expression, and smiled. “Rest.” 

Adolin let out an exhale. “I came here to save you...” 

“Spren... can go to the Beyond too, now,” Maya said. “You saved me once, Adolin. You saved me when you pulled me out of the shadows. That was enough.” 

“No...” Adolin frowned. “Maya, I...” 

“Adolin, maybe I’m in this state because I'm not a deadeye anymore. Because I don’t _feel_ like a deadeye anymore.” 

“Then... what are you?” 

“A dead spren,” Maya nodded. “I died with you out there, Adolin.” 

Silence, Shadesmare dimmed gently, a phenomenon that was odd. 

“I couldn’t pass on to the Beyond,” Maya explained. “And you came to find me, to free me. Finally.” 

Adolin looked around, Shadesmare losing its black sky. All around them was the white space stuck in time, but this was different than when Adolin was pulled into the Highstorm. 

This was accompanied with a queer homesickness for place beyond this one. 

Adolin blinked, and then Maya was standing before him, smiling at him. And in that moment, Adolin was overwhelmed with that beautiful, full smile. They were together, he and Maya, until the end. 

They were together in the end too. 

“But,” Adolin felt the pull of the energy of this place. “Kaladin, Shallan...” 

Maya held his hands with both her hands, her hold warm against his skin. “I know.” 

“Maya... There’s still so much to do,” Adolin frowned at her, the pull at his soul strong but Adolin tried to resist. “I want to be there for them, and Renarin, and the world still needs saving.” 

“It’s time for us to rest, Adolin.” Maya smiled warmly. “We _can_ rest.” 

Adolin stared at her, and finally, allowed his shoulder to drop the heavy weight of needing to care for everyone. 

"We were Radiant, until the very end." Maya said voice soft and gentle. 

Adolin startled, Maya's words resounding inside of him. "We... We were. We were Radiant."

“Close your eyes, Adolin.” Maya held his hand tightly, smiling as she closed her eyes. 

Adolin closed his eyes, smiling too. Maya’s hand his one link when everything he knew dissipated, the Beyond pulling them. 

Fanaa. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated, please leave your thoughts, i love reading through them :)
> 
> Life before Death!


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